Anger is our primary defence of attacking others. When you are angry, you feel the need t physically and/or verbally attack someone. That someone is sometimes ourselves, but more often, we are looking for a target outside of ourselves.
Have you actually said it? You have someone, a client, customer, family member, coworker, standing in front of you and he is really, really angry. Do you remember thinking, or telling someone afterwards, "It felt like he was attacking me." Or "He was attacking me!"
Anger is not the emotion. The only emotion that would trigger our Safety Brain to take over is fear. 100% of the time, NO EXCEPTIONS, when people are being difficult, they are scared!
100% of the time, when YOU are angry or being difficult, you are scared!
I'll bet you're saying, "When I'm angry, I'm NOT scared. I'm pissed!"
Uh-huh.
There are only 5 fears that trigger the Safety Brain to take over. We're going to explore all 5. I guarantee once we get to the end, you will understand completely, and be in agreement, that Yes, the emotion that triggers anger is fear. And OK, yes, when I'm angry I guess I'm scared!
First fear? Can you guess what it is? What is the NUMBER ONE fear guaranteed to slam EVERYONE'S gateway down, boom?!
The first fear is...
FEAR OF CHANGE
We don't do change. Our Safety Brains are our animal and it's only when our Safety Brain knows what to expect and can plan for it that we feel safe. No change. Routine, always routine. Habit. Always habit!
It's kind of like our brains are these big meadows of grass, huge meadows of grass. And when a baby is born, there are no pathways through the grass. So it's possible to teach a baby that anything is safe.
This, unfortunately is true. People who are abused as children, 75% of them will get into abusive relationships as adults, either as the abused or the abuser.
Why would we do this? Remember what #3. was on the list about the Safety Brain? To the Safety Brain, everything is life or death. If it didn't kill me, then it's OK.
An abused woman, in an abusive relationship; how many times has she been abused in her lifetime? Countless times. And she's live through it every time. So, in a weird way, her Safety Brain see this as safe.
How many times will an abused woman leave an abusive relationship and RETURN to it, before she finally leaves for good? On average, 12 times. She's practicing leaving. She has to prove to her Safety Brain that life outside of that relationship is safe. So leaves step by step. What is the Number One reason an abused woman will finally leave an abusive relationship? Remember, she's lived through it countless times, so to her it's safe. The Number One reason she will finally leave an abusive relationship is danger to her children. For herself, she's lived through the abuse countless times, but she won't allow her children to be put through it.
OK, that was quite a negative example, but it really makes the point about the Safety Brain and what it sees as safe or dangerous. Anything that you've faced 4 times or more, and lived through, becomes safe and potentially a habit. Be very, very careful what you start doing! Four times, and you have a strong habit in the making!
I'd like you to think of your Safety Brain as a horse and your Thinking Brain as the rider. If you know anything about horses, you'll know that if the horse has no equipment on: no saddle, no bridle, no halter, nothing; and the rider wants the horse to do something and the horse doesn't want to, the horse wins every single time.
That's exactly true for your Safety Brain. If the Safety Brain decides that something isn't safe, it takes over and there is nothing your Thinking Brain can do. The Safety Brain stays in control until it feels the danger is passed.
Now imagine that you are riding a horse. You ride the horse up to a big meadow where there are no paths. Which direction can you get the horse to go through the grass? Any direction, because there are no paths. Have you ever gone trail riding on horse back? Have you tried to get the horse OFF the path? It isn't happening! Those horses LOVE those trails and they have no intention of getting off the trail.
So you ride your horse through the meadow of grass the first time. If you look back, you see a faint trail through the grass where your horse walked. Some of the grass is broken and bent. So, the next time you come up to the meadow, the horse is going to follow that faint trail... and the next time... and the next time... and the next time.
It's the same with your Safety Brain. Let's go back to the baby. Does a three-day old baby smile? Or is that just gas? Some say she smiles. Some say it's gas. Some say she let go of the gas and it felt so good, she smiled!
We're not quite sure. OK how about a 6 month old baby? Do 6-month old babies smile? Absolutely!
So, the first time the baby felt this fountain of happiness well up inside of her, she smiled; there was probably an adult right there cooing at her, "Oh look, she smiled at me!" (A bit of positive reinforcement!)
So this is the baby's Thinking Brain (rider) hopping it's horse, the Safety Brain, for the first time and riding through the grass that first time.
There are two things about that first ride through the grass that are really, really important.
- It didn't kill her. I know. Sounds goofy. But remember, to the Safety Brain every situation is life or death.
- Once she's tried that smile on the first time, ridden through the grass the first time, she looks back and she sees a faint trail through the grass.
So, the next time she feels that happiness well up inside of her, what does she do? Smiles again... and again... and again... and again...
How many times in the first 6 months, do you think a baby smiles? Hundreds of times? Thousands of times?
Even if it's only hundreds of times it really significant. Because if you walk a trail hundreds of times, what happens? You wear the grass away. You have a visible dirt trail.
This is how we create habits. Once we've practiced a habit 21 times, we have a trail through the grass. We've worn some of the dirt away and we have a bit of a trail. If we practice anything for 6 months, we have a habit that is so deeply worn into our brains that it will be quite difficult, and take a lot of time and effort to change the habit.
At 10 years old, how many times has that 'baby' smiled? Countless times. That trail is now a deeply worn rut! And at the age you are right now, 19 or so, how many times have you smiled in your lifetime? Gazillions of times. Times without count. You don't have a rut anymore, you've worn so much dirt away, you have a grand canyon! When I'm happy, I smile. I don't think about, I just do it, do it, do it!
Let's take a look at some of our typical habits we'd like to change. Smokers! Every puff counts. How long have you been smoking? Years. Every puff counts. How many puffs have you taken over those 5 years? 10 years? 35 years?! Countless puffs. Gazillions. You have a grand canyon of a habit!
Want to lose weight? And you're telling yourself to cut fat and sugar out of your diet. OK! How many bites of fat and sugar, BITES, have you had in your lifetime? Gazillions! Times without count! You have a grand canyon of a habit of eating those wonderful tasting foods, and your Safety Brain is quite happy to continue!
And do you know the way we set goals right now? JUMP! That's it! I've had it! I'm quitting smoking! I'm going on a diet! The underlying intent when we set goals is I've made the decision, so I'm fixed! That's like, I need to get out of the grand canyon so JUMP!
Never works. You have to work with your Safety Brain and create new habits step by step. You NEVER get rid of old habits. Those grand canyons in the brain don't get filled in. If you actually become a non-smoker, and remain a non-smoker for years, you build a grand canyon habit of being a non-smoker. However, the habit of being smoker never disappears.
In my workshops, I'll often ask those who quit smoking for a minimum of a year, "When is the last time you thought, huh, I'd like a smoke? I had one lady respond, "I quit smoking 30 years ago and I still dream about smoking EVERY NIGHT!"
Yikes! It doesn't have to be that way!
So, our first fear, guaranteed to crash our Safety Brains down, BOOM, is FEAR OF CHANGE. And we see it in people all around us, all the time. We see it in ourselves as well. Faced with the push to change, we will get defensive and look around for a target. Who is your usual target? Not a good thing!
For a step-by-step HOW TO set goals so that you change your habits easily and and achieve success in every area of your life, go to: http://angerisnotanemotion.com and get Mrs. Kasper's first best-seller "Anger Is NOT An Emotion." and you'll also pick up thousands of tips and strategies for dealing with those difficult and angry people in your life and taming your own anger.
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