What Is Anger? The Real Answer Is A Well-Kept Secret And So Practical When You Understand!

By Jeanette Kasper

Out in the animal kingdom, there were only three ways to defend ourselves:

1. fight
2. flight
3. freeze

Let's look at freeze first: have you ever had it happen where something unexpected happens and your mind goes blank, you can't think of a thing to say. You'll find that in those few seconds that your mind is blank you also cannot move a muscle.

This was a great defence mechanism out in the animal world when we faced a sabre-tooth tiger - we knew we couldn't fight it and live. We knew we couldn't out run it. So we froze, hoping it wouldn't see us.

(OK this is just kind of funny. There you are, sitting at your desk, and someone comes storming up to your desk having a temper tantrum and your mind goes blank, you can't think of a thing to say - you have frozen, hoping they won't see you?!) Yeah, this one doesn't work so well in today's world. However, what you will find is that seconds after you freeze you will then either go to fight or flight to continue defending yourself.

Here are some of the behaviours that we classify as "Flight" or run and hide behaviours:

Turn and walk away
hide in the bathroom
the cold shoulder
avoid eye contact
go a different way so you don't have to see that person
pretend to be on the phone
pretend a message is coming in
just give in and do it their way
call in sick
pretend to get sick
crossed arms with avoiding eye contact
just don't answer, don't talk
use excuses
ignore them

Here are some of the behaviours that we classify as "Fight" or attack behaviours:

Anger
Irritation
Annoyance
Frustration
Yelling Aggressive
Pushing
Shoving
Hitting
Spitting Invading someone's personal space
Giving someone THE LOOK
Road Rage
Giving someone the finger
Crossing your arms and staring at someone
Crossing your arms, staring and tapping your foot
Talking over someone
Sarcasm name-calling

What is anger? Think about when someone is angry with you, have you every actually said, "It just felt like he/she was attacking me!"? Bingo! Because that's exactly what the person was doing.

And some people will use a combination of fight-flight - called passive aggressive:

Backstabbing - to that person's face they're nice; behind his back they're nasty - this is a combination of to their face, run and hide; behind their back, attack.

Gossip about that person - to their face you're nice - behind their back, look out.

There is only one reason that we would feel the need to get defensive and either run and hide or attack and that reason is that we are scared. The emotion that triggers the need to defend ourselves is fear.

100% of the time, when someone is being difficult, he or she is scared.

Go one step further.

100% of the Time When YOU Are Being Difficult, YOU ARE SCARED.

So your most difficult person is standing in front of you right now, and he is absolutely at his worst, his very worst behaviour. What's really going on?

He saw something to be scared of. SLAM goes that gateway in his brain shutting off access to his thinking brain. The safety brain takes over and he has a split second to decide "How am I going to get safe?" In that split second, he decided that attacking YOU was the best way to get safe. What is anger but our need to attack someone to get to safety?

Think about this. Your two-year-old is standing in front of you and you are really, really angry at her. How can we find this little itsy-bitsy person dangerous? And yet we've all done it (or is that just me?!) Our safety brains go too far. What about your mother-in-law from hell; how can you find her dangerous? (OH YEAH, that's different! NO it's not - but it might take longer to get there!)

If your difficult person gets along with others, even one or two others, but not you, what is this saying? That there is something in his relationship with you that isn't safe! Here's the other side of the coin! If you find this person difficult and others get along with him fine, then there is something in the relationship that isn't safe for you!

What is anger? Anger is NOT an Emotion (that's the title of my first best-seller) because it's true. The emotion is FEAR and anger is our need to attack someone (sometimes that someone is ourselves) to get safe. And it is physical. It's our attack. And anger is a continuum: from the least little bit of annoyance... through frustration... irritation... anger... right through the blackest rage, we are talking the same thing. The trigger emotion is fear and the anger itself, however great or small, is our physical action (or need) to attack.

And maybe you're thinking that "Nope, when I'm angry, I don't feel scared I don't have any fear, he's just a jerk!"

Actually, you are scared. There are only 5 fears that trigger the safety brain, and as we explore these, you will see that all difficult behaviour stems from one of these 5 fears.

Jeanette Kasper -- Your Anger UnTangler
Defuse (or Delete) difficult people in your life. Neutralize your anger. DON'T smack them upside the head! No more bodies buried under the copier!
For Jeanette's best seller "Anger Is Not An Emotion" go to her website http://angerisnotanemotion.com
Pick up thousands of tips and strategies so you gain control on anger always!