A crucial key to being able to manage your emotions is anticipating and preparing for situations or interactions with certain people where you know, from past experience, that your emotions go haywire. But what do you do in the heat of the moment when your emotions flare up?
1. Recognize the signs of the fight or flight response.
Heart pounding, stomach turning, palms sweating: these are signs that the part of your brain that is on the lookout for threats to your survival (your amygdala) has been activated.
The amygdala, however, is the reactive, not rational part of your brain, and might very well interpret shallow breathing - which happens when we feel insulted, angry or upset but your life is far from endangerment -- as a threat.
Step 1: Assure your brain that survival is not at stake -- take a deep breath.
2. Use your body to ground you in the present.
When your boss says "I need to speak to you later," immediately, your mind starts racing - into the past (is he upset about the question I asked in yesterday's meeting?), or the future (Am I being taken off the project?). Neither is helpful. What you need to do is get out of your head and back into the present moment. Your body can help you do that.
Step 2: Feel your feet on the ground, your arms on your desk, your butt in the chair.
3. Hit the pause button.
When are your emotions most likely to cause you trouble: when you're talking or not talking? Often, people start talking because they're uncomfortable with silence, not because it will help the situation. When someone is making provocative comments or needling you, they're looking for a reaction. If you don't react, there's nothing for them to attack.
Step 3: Learn how to be okay with the silence. Give yourself 10 seconds (at least) to let your rational brain kick in.
4. Check your crystal ball.
Before you start talking, do a quick peek into the future. If you give this person a piece of your mind, how will the other person respond? Will it help or harm the situation? Is the instant gratification of "putting them in their place" worth the potential long-term damage?
Step 4: "Watch your tongue and be forward-thinking."
Review and Recap
When you have some distance and are feeling calmer, take a moment to reflect and ask: "What was going on there? Why did I get so angry?" See if you can identify the exact trigger: "I lose it when my boss gives me that patronizing smirk. I feel like he thinks I'm incompetent." And by drilling down -- is there any evidence that he does think you're incompetent? -- you can understand what your beliefs about the situation are and why it triggers a feeling of powerlessness or frustration, for example.
When it comes to mastering your emotions, there are no shortcuts. With practice, however (just like anything), it gets easier and more familiar.
Performance strategist Renita Kalhorn is a Juilliard-trained concert pianist with a martial arts black belt and an MBA. Claim her free five-day email course: "Top Five Mistakes High-Achievers Make Under Pressure -- And How To Avoid Them" at http://stepupyourgamenow.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment