So the first fear that triggers the Safety Brain, in everyone, is Fear of Change. Some will say they embrace change. Yes, many do embrace changes that look like changes they've made before. Because that's not really change - that's doing something you've already done. It's walking into a brand new situation or environment or trying to change old habits that causes the problem.
Now on to the Second Fear. What is the next Second Fear that will cause everyone's Safety Brain to slam the gateway down, BOOM!
FEAR OF REJECTION
The human animal is a pack animal. We have to feel that we belong to the pack in order to feel safe. We're kind of like gophers - do you have gophers where you live or ground hogs?
How many gophers or ground hogs in a field? All farmers know the answer to this one: way too many!
Do you ever see just one gopher in a field and know that there are no more around. Absolutely not. They are a pack animal and rely on each other. When one gopher sees danger, how does it tell the rest of the pack there's danger. They have a very high pitched whistle. All the other gophers hear the danger signal and dive for a hole. Last one in gets eaten by the sabre-toothed tiger.
We are very much like this. In the wild, before we figured out how to use tools, the human animal was very much at the bottom of the food chain - not the top. And we hung around in packs for safety. Many eyes, many ears looking for danger. When one human saw danger, how did it indicate to the rest of the pack that there was danger? NO! Not by CELL PHONE! Before we had technology and access to words, the human animal would yell or scream and take off running. Last one to run got eaten by the sabre-toothed tiger.
Easy to understand, right?
We still react exactly this same way today. When is the last time you were in a public place, maybe walking past a park or a playground, maybe in the mall or the parking lot outside the mall: and you heard another parent yell at the kids (so it wasn't you this time!) What's the first thing we do when we hear a yell or scream in a public place? Stop. Turn and look. "Where's the danger? Do I run and hide or do I attack?"
So we are constantly counting on our pack to indicate when there is danger - and in our society, where we don't face many or any sabre-toothed tigers, this is causing more problems than it's helping!
And we belong to many packs today; our family, workplace, gender, city, province/state, country, ethnic origin, neighbourhood, community, volunteer organizations, etc. etc. When is the last time you went to one of your favourite stores and they had changed all the aisles around? How did you feel when you walked in that first time? How about the second time-or did you even go back a second time? See they changed and had made that store unsafe. Some people will actual find it safer to find a different place to shop than to go back to a place that changed the aisles around!
Let's look at how someone else's reaction can affect ours.
Do you have someone who comes to work, regularly, in a bad mood? Have you noticed that it takes about 3.5 seconds for their bad mood to permeate the entire workplace. Doesn't matter how good a mood you were in when you got to work, as soon as they come in with their grumpiness, we loose our good mood and go straight to bad. WHY? NO! It's NOT because she's just become a sabre-toothed tiger!
Because we are a pack animal. When that person came into the office in a bad mood, what was she showing? See, she had activated her defence system. There's only one reason to activate our defence systems - she obviously saw danger. We are constantly watching the rest of our pack to see if they have seen danger because if they have, the last one to go defensive and run gets eaten by the sabre-toothed tiger.
So, based on a biological, physiological reaction, when someone comes to work in a bad mood, everyone who sees him will go to a bad mood - activating our defence systems, because we don't want to get eaten by the sabre-toothed tiger -that doesn't exist in our society!
There is no GOOD reason to go to a bad mood just because someone else is having an off day or an off year! Now that you understand that it's a simple animalistic response you can start to gain control of your own reaction and let their stuff roll off your back.
So not only are we strongly affected by how others are acting/reacting because of the pack mentality, we also find it essential to feel that we are valued, accepted members of the team. If we do, we're calm and happy and have access to our Thinking Brain. If we think or feel that we are NOT valued, accepted members of the pack, for whatever reason, our Safety Brains will take control and we will be defensive.
Can you think of any situations where you've reacted because you didn't feel that you were 'accepted' or that you 'belonged'? Can you think of another person who is defensive because she feels that she is not accepted by the pack?
This one's a big one and to we need to ensure that others feel they are valued, accepted members of the team; whether that's at work or in your personal life.
Jeanette Kasper -- Your Anger UnTangler
Go to http://angerisnotanemotion.com and get Mrs. Kasper's first best-seller, "Anger is NOT An Emotion" and pick up thousands of tips and strategies so you can deal calmly with any and all the angry and difficult people in your life!
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